Jan 13, 2007
A Lifetime ago and yesterday, you know?
Seven years ago, I lost my younger sister and two little brother.
The fire and the rain and the fear and the trauma of that night and for weeks afterward are something there Is no sensible way to explain. . .
They were my entire life, the loves of my life. . .they helped define all that I was,
and they shaped my ideas of the future. How could someone with such a relationship ever doubt they knew this, but that is where I end up. . .
For the rest of my life, the fact they were here and are lost to me will define everything
I think and do. It some ways, it has left my being and life void and yet it has allowed life to have a lot of promise. . .and how that works, I do not even understand.
You never move beyond it, you can blink and be back there in an instant. . .and when you're alone, there is no way to escape it. . .so you find worthwhile things and never stop or be alone and go on. . .
And you're angry for no reason, and you're sad in the middle of happiness. . . and you cry when you shouldn't and can't when you should and try to sort it out.
Being at the base of a building in flames and knowing it is too late, you were too small,
too late, too late, too late. . .and they are there and you can never get to them. . .
Sometimes the overwhelming horror of what they thought in the last moment, the hope that
they knew If I could have gotten to them, well. . .enough of that.
You will forever recount the missteps, the wrong things you said or did through the time you had with someone. . .
I guess you work on forgiving yourself for any wrong word you might have spoken through the years with them and reassure yourself they knew you loved them desperately. . .
It is cliché, but there is no promise a single person you have will be there tomorrow and consider what you do and say.
There is no way to ever escape. . .but somehow, you can decide to now let it swallow you up, though to allow it to do so would be easy enough. . .
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. For riches are not for ever: and doth the crown endure to every generation? The hay appeareth, and the tender grass sheweth itself, and herbs of the mountains are gathered. The lambs are for thy clothing, and the goats are the price of the field. And thou shalt have goats' milk enough for thy food, for the food of thy household, and for the maintenance for thy maidens
- Proverbs 27:23-27