Friday, January 13, 2017

Sometimes the weight of them makes me wish I'd never known them at all. . .

A Decade has now gone.
Seems apt it is a bit warmer than usual tonight and pouring rain. It was then, too.
It has been harrowing in every manner I could have and could not have imagined.
And after all this time, I have to start remembering, while they have been gone 10 years. . .
I had Angel for 17 years.
I had Ben for 19 years.
I had Quentin for 14 years.
Those years were full of good, quirky, blissful, sad and angry times. Had I known I'd lose them one day, a moment that came far too soon, I'd have made all of those days amazing. I hope.
I'd have never said a hateful word. I'd have "done a lot of things different," as you can imagine. I'd have gone above. I'd have went beyond.
Surely. Right? But then. . .
Angel loved to hug folks, and frankly, so did Ben. They were folks who appreciated the hope a hug could offer. They were meek and looked for reassurance I rarely gave.
I brought the fun, the laughs, and the grouch and voice of realism to every single day.
Quentin. . . he was a lot more like me all around.
All these years later, I still cringe a little ( or lot) when folks hug me. I'm still a hopeless, pessimistic sort, rarely being the voice of assurance anything will work out. I'm still tremendously fun, too.
I guess I've not learned enough because I'd give most anything to hug them now and tell them whatever they wanted to hear, but I cannot. But then, I can't seem to remember these things with those all around me. . .some still need the things I didn't give back then.
Maybe that is one hump I'll never overcome. Maybe I have to let that worry go.
I'm better and worse for having known them and lost them.
Changed. For Good.
They were awesome kids. They were very loved.
I will never get to see them as more as people on the cusp of "the rest of their lives," but I am so very glad I saw them as I did for as long as I was able, and the rest I'll work on letting go.
work on letting it go.



Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. For riches are not for ever: and doth the crown endure to every generation? The hay appeareth, and the tender grass sheweth itself, and herbs of the mountains are gathered. The lambs are for thy clothing, and the goats are the price of the field. And thou shalt have goats' milk enough for thy food, for the food of thy household, and for the maintenance for thy maidens

- Proverbs 27:23-27

"I know of no pursuit in which more real and important services can be rendered to any country than by improving its agriculture, its breed of useful animals, and other branches of a husbandman's cares."

- George Washington