Sometimes the weight of them makes me wish I'd never known them at all. . .

A Decade has now gone.
Seems apt it is a bit warmer than usual tonight and pouring rain. It was then, too.
It has been harrowing in every manner I could have and could not have imagined.
And after all this time, I have to start remembering, while they have been gone 10 years. . .
I had Angel for 17 years.
I had Ben for 19 years.
I had Quentin for 14 years.
Those years were full of good, quirky, blissful, sad and angry times. Had I known I'd lose them one day, a moment that came far too soon, I'd have made all of those days amazing. I hope.
I'd have never said a hateful word. I'd have "done a lot of things different," as you can imagine. I'd have gone above. I'd have went beyond.
Surely. Right? But then. . .
Angel loved to hug folks, and frankly, so did Ben. They were folks who appreciated the hope a hug could offer. They were meek and looked for reassurance I rarely gave.
I brought the fun, the laughs, and the grouch and voice of realism to every single day.
Quentin. . . he was a lot more like me all around.
All these years later, I still cringe a little ( or lot) when folks hug me. I'm still a hopeless, pessimistic sort, rarely being the voice of assurance anything will work out. I'm still tremendously fun, too.
I guess I've not learned enough because I'd give most anything to hug them now and tell them whatever they wanted to hear, but I cannot. But then, I can't seem to remember these things with those all around me. . .some still need the things I didn't give back then.
Maybe that is one hump I'll never overcome. Maybe I have to let that worry go.
I'm better and worse for having known them and lost them.
Changed. For Good.
They were awesome kids. They were very loved.
I will never get to see them as more as people on the cusp of "the rest of their lives," but I am so very glad I saw them as I did for as long as I was able, and the rest I'll work on letting go.
work on letting it go.