That moment where you were fine, then you're not. . .
And your body feels heavy, like all of the life has just gone from it, but you want to jump up and run out the door to absolutely no where, and you're trying to breath normally, but you fail. . . and there are tears right there, but you work hard to help keep them from going no further than the cusp -
Overwhelming sadness and missing someone and grief does that when it comes back all of a sudden. I hate it, but it does remind me of the most incredible love for a person. So there is that.
Over 12 years later. . .and day to day, I got this, but then a life long friend of her's sends me these things I've not seen before now.
Seeing photos I don't remember from the past makes it feel as if she shows up, real, for a moment, before the reality is clear again. . .
A reality I work hard to forget and move on from continually.
The thought process is, truthfully, a bit crazy, at best:
"Look at that. There, she was a real person. She wrote her name. I had forgotten how she liked to write all over things. Me, too. I had forgotten how her handwriting was like mine, but better, of course. I had almost forgotten her. I want to forget her. How can I ever forget her? How can I stand to not?"
Of all the wants of my life, though there aren't many, having my sister back is the greatest, and it is the one that is impossible above all things. And yes, I want my little brothers back, but her so much more it is shameful. And so, it is the want I stow and let be, as much as I can. As long as I can. Forever, if I can.
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